Home > Funny, Humor, Random > Lunchtime Update- Jack Handey Quotes

Lunchtime Update- Jack Handey Quotes

David Archuleta

I’m stuck in my office at lunch. I’m giving a plant tour (warehouse, not foliage) sometime this afternoon, so I can’t leave. I thought I’d post some of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts”. These are funny little thoughts on life. I will then try to do my own, and will fail miserably, causing many of you to swear off reading my blog, others to cry like 14 year old girls watching American Idol’s Dave Archuleta sing, and yet others of you to destroy your computer, and move to the hills to live as a hermit.

Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts

“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

“It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

“I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting”

 

Joel Nafziger’s Deep Thoughts

I bet if you were watching a comedy on TV, and you laughed until you died, someone would write an article about it, and someone would be reading that article and think it’s funny, and die laughing, and someone would write an article about that person dying, and someone would read it, think it’s funny…..

Once I thought I had won the lottery, but then I realized, everyone gets money when they buy a 5 dollar McDonald’s meal with a 10 dollar bill.

I don’t think that clowns should be able to drive. Why, you may ask? Because they’re stupid. (EDITOR’S NOTE: I do not think that clowns are stupid. I rather like them. No offense Neil)

I bet it would be really funny to paint all the flowers in the world black, so that bees couldn’t find them, and then they would starve, but while they are dying, one of them would find out that they were tricked, and then they would all still die. But at least they would die laughing at the joke.

 

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  1. April 4, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    ok, i like the bees and the black flowers joke.
    and the line about david archuleta

  2. ocean moon
    December 11, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Hi, I also think Jack Handey is great. Also, Ocean Moon is actually my real name. I thought your deep thoughts were pretty creative and funny . My only suggestion would be on the thought about clowns you could say “they reason shouldn’t be able to drive is because their oversized shoes makes it hard to use the gas pedals effectively. Also, because they are steal babies souls.”

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