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Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Defense mechanism???

August 7, 2008 Leave a comment

Wasps have venom as a defense mechanism. I would like to suggest it’s more of an offensive mechanism. While mowing tonight I scared up a nest of yellow jackets. I didn’t see them and bam, bam! I thought I had thrown little pieces of sticks into my left shin at about 300 mph. I looked down, saw wasps, and ran. Then yelled at my neighbors for some wasp spray. I got my weapon, and found the nest, and took care of the problem. Their defensive mechanism just made me mad and come back and kill them. They should’ve left me alone. My leg still burns though. I’m sure they are laughing in their little waspy graves.

Categories: Humor Tags: , ,

The Great Outdoors???

June 16, 2008 2 comments

So we got home tonight from spending some time with gampa and gammaw N and I was carrying Brielle into the house.  I glanced out the back door, and saw a big rabbit in the backyard.  Knowing that Brielle would love to see the rabbit, I carried her into the kitchen, only to see our neighbor walk into our backyard pumping a BB gun, placing the tip of the barrel only inches from the rabbit’s skull, and pulling the trigger.  Luckily, it took only about two seconds for my very confused brain to realize what I was seeing before the rabbit flew into the air about two feet, spasming on its way back down, so I was able to say “OH!”, and turn Brielle away from the window.  I dropped her in the living room, asked her to stay there, and proceeded to watch our neighbor put about three more BBs into the rabbit to finally “take it down”.  I think he saw me watching, even though I tried to make it look like I was busy in the kitchen.  I’ll have to ask him how Thumper tasted…

Advertising?

May 31, 2008 4 comments

Will someone PLEASE explain the point of this ad to me? Lael and I went out to dinner last night, thanks to Aunt Jessica watching the chitlins, and bought her a Cinnabon in payment. Yes, we’re cheap. We had to walk through Macy’s to get to the little store with a halo above the sign and angels perpetually singing (my wife, I think this is how she views Cinnabon). I took it on my phone, and can’t figure out how to rotate it, so I apologize for any sore necks. I think this is a very odd photo. Perhaps not thrown to a focus group, or the focus group decided to play a trick on the ad agency. “Oh yeah, that’s great, we understand the message perfectly! And there is nothing odd about that picture. Giant crotches on ads that make no sense are awesome!”

Maybe it was because my judgment was impaired after eating most of a giant 14oz hickory smoked sirloin at a new restaurant called Texas Land and Cattle. It was delicious. It wasn’t grilled, so it was the consistency of a prime rib. Here is a picture. I’d recommend the restaurant to anyone!

Hilarious Instructions for Raising a Baby

April 28, 2008 3 comments

These are awesome. Very important for new parents to read!

Quick Update on Bryce

April 27, 2008 Leave a comment

Bryce rolled over today all the way onto his tummy for the first time since his surgery. He could roll around a room before the operation, but since, when he gets onto his side and his shoulder, he would roll back over. This is a great step toward getting his mobility back to what it was. His bandage strips are starting to come off. Some have fallen off, some have been pulled off by him. His incision looks very good. Pink and clean, not scabby and gross like I thought it would. He’s been back to eating normal again. Baby food, cheerios, rice cereal, and milk. I’m feeling like he’s back to normal, and we haven’t even been home a week.

It was nice to be back to church this morning. Lael and I went, and Joan (Lael’s mom) and Barbara (Lael’s aunt) were kind enough to watch the kids so we wouldn’t expose them to any sick kids. Today should be the last day we have to quarantine the kids anymore. YES! We had to be really careful with them since we found out about Bryce, so it’s very freeing to not have to keep them away from other kids now. We had a little family get together tonight at my parent’s home. Brielle LOVED the little swing on the apple tree. She would ask me to push high, pockets off (I needed to take my hands out of my pockets and push her), faster, etc. She is starting to talk a LOT more, and even make short sentences. Like she just said 20 seconds ago to grandma, “No more diaper, no thank you!” Actually, it’s more like , “No more deepa!! No gank you!! ” Ah yes, the joys of bedtime. She’s asking to go “polly” now, she’s learning to stall. How’s this for a real-time play by play! I need to go…Bryce needs his meds.

I decided to look at some old pictures of Brielle and Bryce we have on Flickr.  Here are some older pics.

Categories: Family, Funny, Life Tags: , , ,

Foods I Love, But Shouldn’t Eat

April 14, 2008 1 comment

This is a depressing list to make, because I love these foods, but I know I shouldn’t eat them.  What’s your favorite bad-for-you food?

  • Macaroni and Cheese
  • Pizza
  • Chips and French Onion Dip
  • French Fries
  • Fried Mushrooms
  • Burgers
  • Bacon
  • Shrimp
  • Peanut M&Ms
  • Gummy Candies
  • Donuts
  • Ice Cream
  • Chinese Buffets
  • Oreos
  • Hot Dogs
  • Steaks
  • Movie Theater Popcorn
  • Large Tubs of Butter
  • 3 foot long Pixie Sticks
  • Big Mike’s Heart Attack on a Platter
  • Beef Grease

The last few may not be quite my favorites…but you get the picture.  Fry it up, I like it.  Salt it up, I like it.  Why are the best tasting foods so bad for you????

Categories: Funny, Humor Tags: , , ,

My Thoughts from Today

April 10, 2008 Leave a comment

I came home late today, and Brielle ran up to me and said “Hi, Daddy!  Miss you!”  Man, that hit me, what a cutie!  I love her so much.  I think she got the saying from me.  When I get home, I make a point to give her a hug and tell her I missed her today, and that it’s good to see her, and that I love her.  I guess it made a difference and something stuck!

I’ve been reading John lately.  To get to know Jesus better, I need to learn about Him, I love reading the New Testament.  Anyway, I searched today on why Jews don’t believe in Jesus because of all I’ve read over the years about how much the Jews hated Jesus.  The one website I saw listed a few spurious reasons why they don’t.  But there are so many prophecies and signs that He is the Messiah, I don’t understand why they don’t believe in Him, other than their blindness.  The arguments the Rabbi put forth were very weak, in my opinion.  The evidence for His divinity far outweigh what I’ve read against it.  I feel very saddened for the Jewish nation.

We watched the newest episode of “The Office”.  Just when I thought they couldn’t make the show more uncomfortable and realistic, BAM, it hit me like a ton of feathers (you think that wouldn’t hurt, but c’mon, a TON is a TON!).  It was really funny.

Here is a humorous picture of a kitten getting a bath.

My Quirky Habit

April 10, 2008 2 comments

Here’s a weird thing I do, and have done for years. I eat soup straight from the can. I know, just when you think you know a person, and being to enjoy his company, he tells you THIS! I’m been going to lukewarm soup eaters anonymous (LSEA, in no way affiliated with the local Christian ministry of ALMOST the same name). But I’m not cured. I don’t like taking the time, and dealing with the mess, of dumping the soup into a bowl, heating it up, eating said soup, then cleaning up after myself. I eat at work most of the time, and time is precious. Plus, the difference between cold soup and warm soup doesn’t make or break the meal for me. I was excited when they started to put those pull-tab quick-open tops on cans. When I used to work production during the summer during college, I would just put the soup on my dash in my car (where I would eat), and that actually got it warm. Not anymore. I know I may lose a lot of readers because of this, but I had to get this off of my chest. <whew> I feel much better now…

Categories: Funny, Humor, Life, Politics, Video Tags: , , , ,

The Root of All Evil

April 8, 2008 1 comment

You may read the title of this post and say, “Oh boy, this is going to be a really serious discussion on money.  I’m going to skip this post, and go back to whittling that piece of wood I found on the shore of Lake Michigan last summer into a bear holding a fish”.

If you have said this, you are wrong.  And need to find a new hobby.  I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about slow drivers.  In the last 24 hours, I have had the opportunity to learn patience and self-control while driving.  Last night, it was late, and I really wanted to get home, and I was stuck behind someone going 40 in a 55 zone.  Finally, I was to my turn, and guess what…their turn signal started blinking, slowly flashing, pointing in the direction I was going, taunting me with every blink.  I was aware that I was getting upset, so I had to calm myself down.  Today, on my way home from work, it was 40 in a 50, and the truck was about 300 years old, made of rust, and smelled like a burning oil refinery.  Same thing, I had to have self-control.  It’s funny, the more you learn about what is wrong, the more you realize how bad you actually are.  It’s not killing people, or stealing, or watching Jerry Springer, it’s the thoughts about others, the frustrations, and the little things that we do that end up being the “sins of the day”.  Life as a believer is a constant tweaking of who we are as a person, and the continuous “putting to death” of the flesh.  These slow drivers were the root of all evil to me, at those moments.  It was at the forefront of my mind.

On another note, Bryce is sitting on the floor, playing.  He’s so funny.  He’ll look at me, smile, and yell.  He’s such a cute kid.  I can’t believe in little over a week he’ll be on an operating table.  We have peace about it, but I still have a sadness that wells up when I think of my little boy having such an invasive surgery done to his body.  He has such a personality now, he’s not just a sleeping, pooping, eating baby anymore, he’s Bryce, the kid that loves to yell, enjoys his ring toys, smiles all the time, and loves rubbing his gums on his teether…  We trust God fully, and still pray for a miracle!!

Lunchtime Update- Jack Handey Quotes

April 3, 2008 2 comments

David Archuleta

I’m stuck in my office at lunch. I’m giving a plant tour (warehouse, not foliage) sometime this afternoon, so I can’t leave. I thought I’d post some of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts”. These are funny little thoughts on life. I will then try to do my own, and will fail miserably, causing many of you to swear off reading my blog, others to cry like 14 year old girls watching American Idol’s Dave Archuleta sing, and yet others of you to destroy your computer, and move to the hills to live as a hermit.

Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts

“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

“It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

“I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting”

 

Joel Nafziger’s Deep Thoughts

I bet if you were watching a comedy on TV, and you laughed until you died, someone would write an article about it, and someone would be reading that article and think it’s funny, and die laughing, and someone would write an article about that person dying, and someone would read it, think it’s funny…..

Once I thought I had won the lottery, but then I realized, everyone gets money when they buy a 5 dollar McDonald’s meal with a 10 dollar bill.

I don’t think that clowns should be able to drive. Why, you may ask? Because they’re stupid. (EDITOR’S NOTE: I do not think that clowns are stupid. I rather like them. No offense Neil)

I bet it would be really funny to paint all the flowers in the world black, so that bees couldn’t find them, and then they would starve, but while they are dying, one of them would find out that they were tricked, and then they would all still die. But at least they would die laughing at the joke.